Short-takes on denial by the NT partner

Denial and the NT parent


I have a brother who is violent, often beating me when we were growing up, right up until I was 18/19 years old, he is two years older than me. Mum was too busy putting on a “front” and dad was oblivious.


I am still recovering from the pain and sense of isolation that having a  parent like that brings – made worse by my mother’s insistence until later years that he was wonderful: handsome, intelligent, brilliant, special.  He was all of that, but he was also anxious, depressed,intolerant, controlling, insensitive to the point of cruelty.


She was from a middle class background and he was working class. Her savant skills in languages got her a university degree, even though she couldn’t put 2 and 2 together in real life, and was I now realise intellectually disabled in parts!, (problem solving, sequencing, prioritising. no inductive or deductive logic). Yet she was one of the few women of her generation who actually went to University. He was so impressed with her, and guilty too about never being able to give her a better life. Well, he was simply too tired from labouring all day, then coming home to do all the cooking, cleaning, sewing, under a constant rain of recriminations and accusations. He was a battered husband and couldn’t leave.

And she was beautiful. They were a handsome couple.

Before we went out anywhere, my parents would make me rehearse the elaborate lies we would tell to others about our domestic misery. Keeping up the front was all important.  We were pretty much social pariahs anyway, because my father’s self-esteem was gutted and he couldnt keep up with successful men of his generation who had wives to nurture their careers. And people couldnt get away from my mother’s monologues fast enough.


I begged him to save himself from her constant screaming and blaming but people in his circle didn’t do that kind of thing, divorce was unheard of, so he endured. He was a wonderful man and highly responsible, and afraid she couldn’t survive without him. I guess the odds were high that she might have ended up a bag lady, or permanently drugged and  institutionalised and misdiagnosed perhaps as a schizophrenic, if he hadn’t. He simply couldnt leave her to that fate. It was easier for him to convince himself that nobody was perfect. His mantra was: “People fight because they care for each other. People who don’t fight in their marriages are more of a problem. Your mother is just highly strung.”

2 thoughts on “Short-takes on denial by the NT partner

  1. I have never been able to find the words to describe the intangeable peculiarities of my father. He drove my mother insane. She’s now more critical, intolerant and rigid than him. My dad would rant and rave about nothing, never talking to but talking at all of us. He was into ridicule and perpetual fault finding, having no friendships and what came accross to me at an early age as an intense aversion towards people. I knew at an early age that they were abnormal, not like other families. There was never any display of affection and if my father ever touched me, it made my skin crawl. I got my strokes from other adults that showed concern for me. They were people my parents would put down. It was lonely growing up and the neglect was one of extreme emotional deprivation. I grew up never knowing I had needs and it was possible to have them met. At 47 I still struggle to identify and ask for my needs. I have lived with a nagging low grade depression all my life, a knawing sense of something not being right. Therapists seem to have missed the mark entirely. I wasn’t sexually abused but my fathers inaaproriate behaviour, insensitivity and blatant disregard of my boundaries left me feeling the same way as Someone who has. I grew up feeling defiled. My mother would work so hard to keep the place nice and cook meals but my father seemed always able to spread mess and filth wherever he went. The house would smell of him. He would blow his nose in the curtains when at the table and pick his nosr and eat the contents. His personal hygiene was non existant. There were always heaps of newspapers and he was obsessed about the Government and the news. If you showed disinterest or disagreed he would go into a major tantrum, his face turning red, frothing out of his mouth, obscenities and his fists in the air. Us kids would beg him not to hurt us and he would have an expression on his face that resembles total ecstacy over the affect he was having. I still feel nauseous around him. He had no social graces whatsoever. My mother was busy keeping up a front, blaming me for my Father’s behaviour. She would beg me to make an effort with my father and this went on into adulthood. My father would turn up to my home unanounced and then go home and complain to my mother that I didn’t make him feel welcome and then my mother would come back to me with the line that I had to sort out my stuff with my father. She was not interested in me at all. They left the country to go back to their homeland and returned 2 yrs later and didn’t contact me. They showed no interest in celebrating my achievements like buying my first home, having my kids or anything about my life. My mother would act all hurt whenever I asked why they didn’t contact me when they returned here. IN my 20s I went over to the UK on a working holiday and after I had been living there for a year they came over and never called me or visited me. I tracked doen my mother and visited her with my aunties. When I asked her why she didn’t call me or visit, she responded with she had more important things to do and her purpose for coming was not to see me and who the hell did I think I was anyway. She added that I didn’t even think to ask how my father was. It left me gutted and confused and this has happened over and over again in my family. I don’t know if my mother has AS traits too or became like my father. I think my 2 brothers are AS as well. They got along with them but my sister and I have been the blame for everything. My sister has never been able to get her career going and she has a heart condition that the medical proffession are baffled about. I suspect that she has very severe panic attacks. All this has left me with very low self esteem, depression, diminished personal power and like I caught someting off them. I haven’t been able to talk about any of this to anyone. I married an Aspie too but his is considerably milder than my Father’s. Sorry this hasn’t ended as a short take but this discovery that there are others that have grown up in such bizare circumstances, AS parents, I have so much that wants to come out.

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