However I think it is actually the case, that I sit on the borderline between having Asperger’s and having traits, because I feel I read people and empathise with them amongst other things, better than my parents.

Thank you for this site, because I do relate to some of the stories, and also a friend of mine, who’s father is obviously ASD, and neglected him as a child.

I think there can be room for sites like this and the advocacy movement.

People with AS make great professors of logic. They make lousy parents (unless they are intuitive and can read social cues, in which case why call it Aspergers?). Similarly, highly intuitive social butterflies may become professors of logic, but I doubt if they are out there picketing MIT demanding their right to a tenured lectureship based on neither interest, skill nor training.”

“Yes, people with AS have been misunderstood and oppressed. Some of us have inherited some AS traits, so we know what it is like”

It’s very difficult for me to think that you would respect me as a person when you say stuff like that.

And you will NEVER know what it is like to have AS. Only an aspie knows. I don’t care how good your social skills are. You. Will. Never. Know. What. It. Is. Like. To. Be. An. Aspie. And if you do, fine. By the way, I was also brought up by an aspie who was mentally ill and abusive and I still don’t like this website. Just saying.

Not to say that I think that it should be taken down, though.

Sure, my mom told me she loved me, but it was hollow. The sum total of her actions told me otherwise. Everything was always my fault. Her fuse was short as heck and she viewed herself as ruler of the family. More problematic for me was that she could not read expressions and body language so she viewed my sister’s unprovoked attacks on me as “fighting” and would punish us both (our nanny and our dad when he was around always saw the attacks for what they were). There was deliberate social isolation on the part of my mom. Other kids parents became unsatisfactory for hosting play dates, but my mom was not available to host so I spent a lot of time alone.

(I believe my mom fired our nanny because it was clear our nanny understood me better than she did).

As I got older my mom couldn’t understand why I wasn’t getting into sci-fi and why I bathed after sports practice. In my isolated world, I started to think I was the odd child. Of course, the constant “What’s up with your sister?” conversations at school were a fortunate reality check and helped my social life during school hours even if I couldn’t get out at other times to develop socially.

When I finally got away to college it was such a great relief. Of course, I also wondered why I seemed to have ptsd when on the surface I lived an affluent life. Freshman year my friends would remark on how little I expressed through my face– that was something I learned not to do because it would confuse and upset my mom and sister– my sister would get violent, my mom would launch an investigation. It took about a year and a half for all my facial expression to come back, now whenever I spend time with my mom and sister they are constantly confused by that.

I in no way would want to detract from the struggles of adults with AS and children with AS. But when a parent is struggling, his or her children pay the price. I know my sister believes that being nice to people is a strange social convention, she cannot fathom that putting a smile on the face of a stranger or a friend is deeply satisfying for most NTs. I waited a long time to have a child because I knew I had a lot of crap to work out before I could be a good parent– even now I envy my boy’s childhood because he knows he’s loved. I still find myself having to unlearn some of my mom’s parenting techniques, but instinct seems to be a great help. I am just trying to be the parent I always wished I’d had.

As somebody else mentioned here all ready, I don’t like to answer the phone because it might be my mom or sister. With my mom it is fear of another barrage of criticism and figuring out how to get her off the phone if I am at work. With my sister, I am tired of hearing about her obsessive interest and a deep sadness I feel because there is some part of humanity that truly isn’t there. I don’t want to go so far as to say she has no soul, but there is something automaton-like about both her and my mom.

Aspies have their own websites, let the NTs who have been raised by them have theirs too. Of course, raised by my mom and having spent a lot of time with my sister, I am not surprised by the Aspie responses this site gets. One thing that I am truly glad about is that my sister does not seem at all inclined to have children.

(Aside: I know you Aspies think that NTs shouldn’t go around diagnosing, but I know professionals who agree with me about my mom and sister– they know them socially. I know my sister agrees that she has AS and was glad to have a name for her challenges– I told her the day after we had to walk through the demonstration. I have a couple of friends whom I also suspect of having the same set of challenges… one of whom is an absolutely abysmal parent, but is oblivious to the suffering of his child… very sad really. Another is studying to be a psychologist, oy!).

I have two sons now. One is 5 and autistic and the other is 18mos old and is quite advanced and unusual so not “typical” but he does not appear to be autistic. I struggle with sensory sensitivities and rigid thinking. I don’t really know how to “play” and i often have trouble keeping track of things. It takes me a while to figure out what the baby wants sometimes. The thing is, I am a much better parent than my father ever was and I figured out how to do this without the benefit of early diagnosis or therapies. I knew that i had trouble with relationships and so my logical mind decided that if i had a baby to care for i should just hold him as much as possible and try different things when he cried until it stopped. The kids seemed happy with this arrangement. I dislike social functions but I have been to more of my 5yo’s parent participation days at school than any of the other mothers. I simply rehearse a few basic conversations before i show up and do my best. I make sure to schedule quiet times in my day before the children come home so that I am not too flustered by their noise. I make a point of keeping mental lists of what they like and their reactions to things. Why do I do all of this? Because I am autistic person, not an autistic asshole. My father never thought to use his fascinating, brilliant mind to create a system for interacting with others. Why, because he was an asshole. Either that or some very bad things happened to him which damaged him much more than asperger’s ever could have.

Yes, there are challenges I face because of his neglect. I fear that people will leave me. I believed that i was disposable and that I wasn’t interesting enough to earn my father’s love. I learned to think of myself as an annoyance. There are other things I have learned. I’ve learned compassion for my father. I feel sad that he has lost his chance at a relationship with me. Perhaps my children will grow up having particular complaints about my parenting. They seem happy now though, and my family members and confidants tell me that I am doing well. I am learning much from reading here and I wonder how many people have learned to hate a thing – a way of being- rather than feel anger towards a person who was cruel or inept. That isn’t to say there are no problems that come with asperger’s. i’ll be first to admit that there are many. I just don’t believe that they cannot be worked with, around, and through. I assure you that we are fully human and have a full range of emotions and free will. My father is a flawed human and failed parent. I believe that I can be something other than what he was.